The Road Less Traveled: Considering Adoption for Unplanned Pregnancy
Pregnancy is a life-changing time full of complex emotions. If you're reading this, you're likely facing an unplanned pregnancy and considering your options. This is never an easy decision, but you're not alone. Thousands of expectant mothers face similar circumstances each year.
As an expectant mother, you want what's best for your baby. You may feel pressure from others about your choice, but the power lies in your hands. Though the road ahead has challenges, women in your shoes find peace in their decisions with compassion, support, and understanding. Listen to your heart, gather information, and don't be afraid to ask for help.
When facing an unexpected pregnancy, you have important choices to make. There are generally three options to consider: parenting, abortion, or adoption. It's normal to feel overwhelmed as you think through these profound decisions. Take time to process your emotions, seek counsel, and reflect carefully before deciding your path forward.
Parenting
Parenting involves raising your child yourself. Being a parent means providing your baby love, care, education, food, housing, and more for the next 18+ years. Parenthood requires sacrifice and hard work but can bring deep joy.
Deciding to become a parent is a major life decision under any circumstances. When facing an unplanned pregnancy, the responsibilities and challenges of parenting can feel overwhelming. As you consider your options, reflect carefully and realistically on what parenting would entail for you and your child.
Financial Costs
Having children is expensive. From housing, food, clothing, healthcare, childcare, and education costs, be prepared for the high ongoing costs of raising a child. Consider your current financial situation and income sources. Do you have the resources to provide for a child over the next 18+ years? What changes or sacrifices would be needed to make this financially feasible?
Time Commitment
Caring for an infant is a 24/7 job. As children grow, their school and extracurricular activities require major time commitments from parents for years to come. Consider your other responsibilities and time commitments. Do you have the ability to dedicate consistent, quality time to meeting a child's needs?
Emotional Readiness
Parenting can be an emotional rollercoaster. It requires patience, resilience, energy, sacrifice, and selflessness daily. Take an honest look at where you are emotionally. Can you provide your child with consistent love, support, and nurturing?
Support System
Parenting is far easier with a strong support network. Single parenting is incredibly challenging without help from others. Do you have family, friends, or a community who will be there for emotional support, childcare help, or financial assistance if needed? Or will you feel isolated in your new role?
Reflect deeply on these facets of parenting. Envision the realities of life with a child based on your current circumstances. This will help guide your decision-making process.
Adoption
Adoption places your baby with adoptive parents after birth. You would still carry the child to term and go through labor and delivery. However, legal rights and responsibilities would transfer to adoptive parents.
There are several types of adoption to consider:
Open Adoption - involves regular and ongoing contact between the birth parents, adoptive parents, and child
Semi-Open Adoption - knowing who the adoptive parents are but with little ongoing contact
Closed Adoption - no contact between birth and adoptive families
The adoption process generally involves the following steps:
Adoption Plan - Write a plan for your adoption with one of our adoption professionals.
Matching - Select a family to raise your baby
Support - During your pregnancy receive financial and emotional support
Post-Placement Support - Receive counseling at no cost to you to help process your thoughts and feelings.
Researching and understanding each step involved is important to ensure you are prepared for the adoption process. Reach out to the agency early on so they can guide you through each stage. While it can be challenging, staying patient throughout the process leads to the joys of adoption.
Choosing Adoptive Parents
One of the most important decisions in the adoption process is choosing the adoptive family for your child. There are a few key considerations:
Agency vs. Private Adoption
Agency adoptions involve working with a licensed agency to match you with adoptive parents. Agencies thoroughly screen potential families, guide you through the process, and provide support.
Private adoptions involve working directly with an attorney to select adoptive parents yourself. You take a more active role in vetting families.
Consider whether you want the agency's guidance or wish to have more control over selecting the family. Agencies charge fees but do intensive screening. Private adoptions give you more influence but require more work vetting families.
Open vs. Closed Adoption
Open adoptions involve ongoing contact between you, the child, and the adoptive family. This ranges from letters and photos to in-person visits.
Closed adoptions sever contact after the adoption is complete. Some states now require semi-open adoptions with updates on the child's well-being.
Decide your desired level of openness. Openness provides reassurance but also emotional complexity. Some mothers prefer closure for a fresh start. Communicate your preferences clearly to potential families and agencies.
Getting to Know Families
Review family profiles thoroughly. Look for shared values, parenting styles, and commitment to openness. Interview potential families by phone, video chat, or in person if possible. Ask about their backgrounds, motivations, and plans for your child.
Follow your instincts. Make sure you feel completely comfortable with the family. If anything gives you pause, keep looking. Work with your agency or attorney to thoroughly screen potential families.
Choose parents who you trust completely to provide a loving home. Don't feel pressured to pick a family. Make sure you feel confident in the adoptive family's ability to give your child the best possible life. Take your time making this profound decision.
Adoption Laws and Rights
Placing a child for adoption involves important legal considerations that expectant mothers need to fully understand.
Parental Rights
When you place your baby for adoption, you voluntarily terminate your parental rights and transfer them to the adoptive parents. This is permanent and irrevocable except in some limited circumstances.
You will no longer have any claims or rights to custody, visitation, or input regarding the child's upbringing. The adoption also severs the rights and responsibilities of the birth father.
Some states have revocation periods that allow biological parents to change their minds within a certain timeframe after relinquishing rights. In Kansas, there is no revocation period. That means that once you sign the consent to adoption paperwork, you can not change your mind. Your consent cannot be signed until 12 hours after your baby is born. However, once the period expires, the termination of parental rights is final in most cases.
Consent Requirements
Consent from both birth parents is required for an adoption. The birth mother's consent is needed after the birth, and she must be offered counseling afterward. The birth father's consent is also mandatory in most cases unless he meets certain legal criteria for abandonment or lack of involvement.
If the father is unknown, cannot be located, or refuses to consent, you will need to get a court order terminating his parental rights. Your adoption attorney can advise you on the consent laws and procedures in your state.
Post-Adoption Contact Agreements
Many states allow adoptive and biological parents to enter into post-adoption contact agreements. These are written agreements that allow for ongoing communication after the adoption, such as letters, photos, emails, or even visits.
Contact agreements allow you to have information about your child's welfare and development. However, the contact depends on mutual consent, and the adoption remains fully legal and irrevocable.
Confidentiality
While historical adoptions were completely closed, modern laws often allow varying levels of openness. The trend is toward more open adoption arrangements, but practices still vary widely by state. An experienced adoption attorney can explain confidentiality laws and practices in your location.
Some states have laws allowing adult adoptees access to their original birth certificate and/or adoption records. As an expectant mother considering adoption, understanding your state's confidentiality laws is extremely important.
Adoption Attorneys
Working with a qualified, ethical adoption attorney is strongly advised when considering placing a baby for adoption. Never go through private adoption without independent legal representation on both sides. Adoption attorneys help ensure your rights are protected, that all laws and procedures are properly followed, and that the adoption will be fully enforceable.
Many adoption agencies include legal services, but expectant mothers can also hire an independent attorney. Discuss all available options with your counselor or social worker. Understand your legal rights and advocate for your interests throughout the process.
Adoption Services & Law Group ensures that your rights are protected, all laws and procedures are correctly followed, and that the adoption is fully enforceable. ASLG discusses your legal rights and advocates for your interests with the help of its compassionate and knowledgeable team.
Emotional Considerations
Placing a child for adoption can be an emotionally complex and challenging decision. As an expectant mother, you may experience a range of difficult emotions, including grief, loss, guilt, regret, and doubt. It's important to acknowledge these feelings as normal responses to a profoundly difficult situation.
Grief and loss are common emotions that emerge when choosing adoption. You may grieve the loss of the life you imagined with your child. You may feel a profound emptiness knowing you will not raise this child. Allow yourself to fully process and express these feelings of grief. The loss is real and deserves acknowledgment.
Guilt is another emotion many birth mothers experience. You may feel you have let your child down or question if adoption is the right choice. Recognize that guilt often reflects how much you care, not that you have made the wrong decision. Your choice is based on love and putting your child's best interests first.
To cope with these challenging emotions, be extremely gentle with yourself. Do not suppress your feelings or invalidate them. Find healthy outlets like talking to supportive loved ones, journaling, therapy, or support groups for birth mothers. Participate in rituals that honor the loss, like writing a letter to your child explaining your choice.
The emotions surrounding adoption are complex and ever-changing. But with time and support, most birth mothers can make peace with their decision. Take things one day at a time, turn to loved ones, and trust that you have made the best choice you could in an impossibly difficult circumstance.
Seeking Support
During the adoption process, it's crucial to have a strong support system. There are a number of resources to help you through this challenging time.
Seeking counseling from a licensed professional can provide an invaluable space to process your feelings. An understanding counselor can help you work through any grief, guilt, or uncertainty you may be experiencing. Counseling often provides adoptive parents an outlet to speak openly in confidence. Many counselors have experience specifically with adoption-related matters.
In-person and online support groups allow you to connect with others going through similar experiences. Sharing stories and insights can help normalize your feelings. Support groups also provide the chance to exchange practical information and advice. Local pregnancy resource centers often facilitate groups for those considering adoption. Search online forums and social media groups focusing on adoption issues.
Conclusion
Making an adoption plan for your child is an important decision that gives you and your family the best opportunity to thrive. While this process can be emotionally challenging, you can feel empowered knowing that you are acting in the best interest of yourself and your child.
Remember that you are not alone. There are people and organizations that are dedicated to guiding and supporting you through every step of this journey with understanding and compassion. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
As you move forward, give yourself grace. Trust that over time, the difficult emotions will gradually resolve into peace and acceptance. Focus on taking care of your mental, physical, and emotional health. Envision the bright future ahead now that you have the chance to pursue your goals and dreams without restriction. Your child also has the opportunity to grow up in a stable environment ready to realize their full potential. While your lives will take separate paths, the connection you share will remain.
